Nin's Journal of DOOOOM

Currently sitting in the library. 11:30 in the morning. work in a half hour. kill me k thanx. Internet's out at home, which is why I haven't been online very often in the past few weeks. -_- I can't do much here that I have to do at home. (I'M ON A BOAT *listening to iPod*) But I'll manage.

Anime Day at the mall last weekend. TOO MUCH FUN. I won first place in the costume contest with Halloween Town Riku :D So exciting. My mask and shackles broke on my outfit, but...it was worth it lol. I redid my mask already so it's more sturdy and need silver spray paint for new claws and shackles..and new pair of gloves for the claws. I messed them up a little so I'm going to redo them lol somehow.

Something smells...and I'm afraid to find out what it is...

Youmacon's coming up. Don't know if I'll have a car by then, so in case I don't I need to ask my gma if I can borrow hers for 4 days to take up to Dearborn, Michigan. Fat chance, right?

Well gotta go, gotta head to work. Type back later.

So, I just found out my mom is filing for bankruptcy, and yelled at me because I didn't have enough money to give her to give to her lawyer (100$), not even in my other bank account since I kept having to use money out of there for gas (which, of course, she doesn't believe me). She says I have to clear out both bank accounts if I want to keep them from being wiped by the lawyer..and this is all because I live with her still. If I lived on my own, I wouldn't have to deal with her shit. I still need to switch to full time soon so I can get my own car..but if this gets too far, I'll probably even have to cancel out on going anywhere before Youmacon..

what can I do?

OMFG YES I AM BORED. SO I AM GOING TO POST HERE NAO YEY. lol idk what's wrong with me. Anime St. Louis in 2 1/2 days :D Going to be gone (OFF WORK!!!!) for 5 days XD YAY FREEDOM FOR THE TIME BEING!!! Gonna take the train with Nyte and we're staying at Abrith (Abra/Aerith. I was trying to say Aerith earlier and it came out Abrith XD). :3 so excited.

ACEN IN ..44 DAYS! *needs to update countdown on wall*

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kitty keeps licking me. 'tis gonna be an interesting con. Gonna be weird without mah Zack and Genesis but we'll see how it goes lol should still be fun :D Probably gonna work more on cosplay before the actual con XD

WANT A CAR GRR

I have more cons than normal this year o_o 4 cons..this one, ACen, Gencon, and Youmacon...omfg Youmacon...TT~TT

I'm nervous about Youma..it was amazing last year cause of that guy..but then I come to find out not too long ago that he found himself a girlfriend..which..crushed me..but I'm happy for him >> don't get me wrong. But originally he was the reason why I was going to be Lucrecia for the Ball this year..then I find this out and I dunno what to do. Oh well I'll still be Lucrecia and just find myself a Vincent XD; that works, right?

DEVIL MAY PIE

..er CRY

YES. DEVIL MAY CRY PIE.

*shrugs* Had no sugar today. Probably just cause I caught up on sleep for now and didn't have to work and I just work tomorrow and monday and then I'M OFF FOR 5 DAYS X3 W00T.

hmm been a while. lol

ACen in 89 days, f-ing YES. I can't wait. :D Ohayocon over. ): I wanted to attend, but I didn't have the money..or a way to get up there. D: But, there will be next year. I SHALL ATTEND NEXT YEAR!!!

Um, nothing really new. Work as usual. Preparing for cons. Working towards a car. <3 More than likely will get one soon with the tax stuff coming back in the mail. So excited.

Riku cosplay is finished. ^^ Have to finish the Lolita Cloud wig (again /)_-;; ) oh well.

food tiems. ^o^

YOUMACON WAS AWESOME. lol yeah it's a late journal since the con but I haven't really had a chance to type.

And guess what? My dress came in ON TIME XD If Zack didn't have that late nap, I would have left without it. And I'm soooooooooo glad it came in. I loved it so much, and I'm not usually one to get into dresses >_> x3 It was perfect for the Ball..

...omg the Ball. >///< I have so much I want to say about it besides it being amazingly beautiful and musical..I got to dance! And I'm really happy I did...even more that it was with the guy I like.. >_> ^///^ omg just...yeah lol omg.

I'm kind of nervous to type out much about him..even though he knows I like him. I hate being shy, I can't help it..hell it took me until after the con to tell him. X_x I wanted to tell him when we were together at the convention, walking around or in the gaming room, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it.

..lol it's so weird, I always think back o nthe first Youmacon I went to (2007) and randomly..uh...found him >_> X_X; talk about embarrassing myself when I think about it..random crazy Yazoo I was. Wth was I on..probably either too much pocky or Ramune. Maybe both.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
"..is it now?"
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!"
"...it's my fault you can't complete sentences?"
"....shut up IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT! DX<"

/)_-;

oh well, whats done is done..actually if I never did that I would have never found him later XD; so..I guess stuff happens for a reason then..

I mean come on, he's got me hooked on Dark Crystal and got me back into Labyrinth (the David Bowie one where he's the Goblin King). XD I remember I used to watch Labyrinth a lot when I was little..but then technology got more advanced and our VCR died..but even the dvd player we got was dead within a couple years. I /just/ bought Labyrinth on DVD the otherday..Dark Crystal the day after that XD;

I WANT A FIZZGIG!!!! so cute..

Anyways, I've been thinking on different cosplay lately..trying to try something new (away from FF7 and/or Kingdom Hearts..sorta maybe...out of the box deal) and have a couple ideas..just..need the money first XD;

Walmart's not working out for me. I can't deal with the stress everyday, especially since I go from 8 or 9 hours of it then go home to it. That's why I liked school: it was away from home, and pretty much it was definately a learning experience. All I've learned at walmart is that 60% of the population either has no patience or they're drug addicts. Nothing against people who depend on their medication to help them along, but those who freak out because we're out of stock of something that's obviously popular..like the behind-the-counter stuff with the sudafedrine...seriously people. There's always other ways. And just because we're out of it doesn't make it my damn fault. And don't yell at me still when you keep saying it's not my fault. If you understand it's my fault, then don't yell. I don't need to deal with that shit, I already get it enough at home.

Happy thoughts now happy thoughts...I haven't talked with my counselor since june I think and...well I think I don't really need the sessions anymore. I just got angry after some of them anyways and it didn't really help. She's a nice lady, don't get me wrong, just the conversations that left me craptastic...

Michigaaaan I wanna go back to Michigaaaaannnn....

...hell I need a carrrrr....so I can drive to Michigaaaannn...

..I found it funny how mom was like "Stop going to cons so you can get a car."
I flipped and asked her if she wanted me to go insane.
Her response: "When you get a car, you can drive up and see Chilie (the guy above; she misread his screenname once and has called him that since.) anytime you want..you just have to pay for gas obviously."

XD; yeah my mom's a weird one. She's for me to go to cons, like if we can't find a way there, she'll help us find a way, even say she'll drive (only if we pay her though..), though sometimes I wonder..especially when I come back with plushies or something, she'll throw a fit saying I dopn't need anymore crap. Dude I love my con crapness. lol I got a hat with ears on it at Youma..sooooo warm. I wear it to work and people love it. I'm thinking about wearing the paws/gloves I bought to work tomorrow since it's supposed to be cold again.

123456 POKEMON.

I'm planning to attend Ohayocon too :3 it'll be my first time there, I'm so excited. I just wish Youmacon was more than once a year. TT_TT ...a whole year I have to wait...

thank the Goddess for the interwebz.

I like beees..

They're building the Noodle&Company restaurant in town and I stopped by there today on my lunch break. I was just about to walk away and this lady walks down the sidewalk asking if I was looking in at what they were doing. I told her I was and saw that they were hiring. She said she was helping with hiring people and gave me a small tour around the place :3 it was so cool. I picked up an application (I want to get out of Walmart soooooo bad like you won't believe) and talked with her for a while. I wished I had more time to talk more, but my lunch break was only 30 minutes. -.-; lucky walmart was just up the road some..but still. It'd be nice to work there. :3 I love noodles. x3

I like corn...not that way though, Zack. >_> /)_(\;

..wow I've been typing for a half an hour XD; lots of stuff to say..want to say more (especially about the first or second topic) buuuut... :3 I'll let that be another day. My feelings are mine for now.

..Hojo rocks, btw. >83

Soooo Youmacon in 5 days..or leaving for Youmacon in 5 days. O_O I've been waiting for my lolita dress to come in for nearly a month now and I need it for the con D: omgwtfdumbapples. BUT apart from that, I'M PSYCHED. :D I'm already packing XD; yay for giant suitcase of doom I found downstairs lol well..mom told me about it...

.. >_> same thing...

Walmart sucks..already searching for a new job. Won't be as good as walmart's pay but at least it'll be something not as insane. I deal with insanity as it is here at home, I don't need shit from people whose meds aren't ready it..

I understand they'd be angry if they were waiting for a long time, but normally it isn't our fault if their doctor never called it in.

Seriously

just bring the RX in or make sure you're there when they call the Pharmacy.

It's not our fault if we don't have it yet. -_-;

Anywayys...YOUMACON YAY

lol yay for cookies that keep me hyper :3

Uh...yeah that about covers it for now.

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAIN!!!!! XDD

laaaaaaptop. And I has innnnnnternetz. Youmacon's in 47 daaaaaayzzzz....and I haven't started on ANY cosplay yet XD WHOO GO ME.

Computer's gone, being worked on again, but I'm glad I finally figured out how to get internet on here, otherwise I'd be all...zombie like and pissy cause that's how I stay connected. Our phones suck and signal sucks too. Internet's easier, little cheaper, and faster, so yeah. lol internet.

Um..what else....

...starting on new cosplay plans for next year already XD Going as Vincent Valentine. YAY FOR HIS SUPER AWESOME COMPLEX CLAW OF DOOM!!!!! yay Vincent....yay.

My grandmother makes me want to jump in the middle of rush-hour traffic.

..SO that aside, Walmart's gotten better. They have me as a cashier back in the Pharmacy, which is a WHOLE lot better than just standing at a register all day just scanning item after item after ITEM...I mean yeah, it's okay, but it gets boring/hectic after awhile. Like the other night, I was working late, and I had a couple come with 3..yes 3 carts full of items, mostly food. Same thing happened last night too but it was right before my lunch break, and the people were nice. The thing that bugs me most are the people that seem ready to kill me if I had to type in the numbers for veggies/fruit or the barcode is missing and I have to call someone...or my personal favorite: call for CSM because I'm not old enough to ring up alcohol, so we have to wait for a minute or two. But that'll change by my birthday since I have to be 19 to sell alcohol. whoo.

Youmacon: 79 days.
Cosplay process: 1% (thanks again G for letting me borrow your tiara XDD)
My stress level: 350%
Chance of getting any cosplay done right now: 0%
Chance of being L: 98.7%

XD VitaminWater, good stuff.

I got a job. I was happy when I found out. Day 5 tomorrow, I want to put a bullet through my brain. I work at Walmart, and it's WAY too big for me to deal with as a cashier in training. Good pay, no lie, but I'm not THAT social. >_< I should have known better. I'm going to see if I can get transfered to the electronics section or something. It's so stupid though..I never reallyt wanted to work at Walmart, but mom made me..pretty much threatened me to put in an app. Next day, they call back saying they want an interview. That was fast. Later, during an interview at Movie Gallery (Within 4 minutes of driving from home), I find out why it was fast: Walmart FIRED a bunch of people..which scared me. Now, I work tomorrow from 9:30am to 6pm..and I'm tired. And thinking about it I just..no. Just no. I'm too tired, I have too much of a headache...it's just too much for me...but I'm scared to quit. If I quit, mom's really going to kill me.

I pretty much just have Youmacon on my mind right now and want to get ready for that, but it's hard with no money. I'm so depressed anymore that I hate moving, even eating even though I still eat about the same amount. Mom bought a LOT of ramen..I love ramen.

So tiiiired...I just want to sleep and not wake up until I have a million dollars and I live in Michigan. Aaaand I just found out I have to use my grandmother's car for work tomorrow because mom has library work...otherwords, she works on her ebay at the library because she hates dealing with the computer. Impatient woman...

Well, I'm just going to end this here..post back later probably..

Yeah, said last time I'd try to not post something really emo..meh.
Ever since I came home from ACen, it's been hell. Literally the day I came back I was chewed out by mom. Lonng story, so I'm nont going to say.
Computer has a virus again, and justa few moments ago I discovered it got hold of Windows Movie Maker...meaning...I can't work on my videos anymore until the virus is taken care of. *sigh* Great..first the internet, now WMM. At least it hasn't gotten YIM or AIM yet.. *knocks on wood* And again, it's my fault that we have the virus. Which it probably is, being that we got it not too long after I finished "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Fate" where I had to download and encode many many KH vids, and same for Crisis Core vids for some of my videos. Bah.

School's out for seniors, but I have a Saturday class in 7 1/2 hours from now, so I should be heading to bed soon. Still don't have a job. Please help me, I want to go to college/buy a car/go to more conventions. I live for conventions. :3 mom's pissed at me because of that, saying I could put my money to better use..but it's my money, and convenntions are where I fit in the most. No lie. I go to conventions and act like my normal self..and get the same goofy response and I love it.

YOU WANT SOME OINTMENT FOR THAT BURN?!?
Don't you ever run out of space on that thing?!

lol love ya guys. ;D You know who you are.

Anyways, yeah, I'm a congoer, yayzors. :3 Also decided I'm just going to a nearby college for general classes instead of just leaping straight into studying Digital film editing or video game design or..something like that. Getting the easy stuff out of the way is better. I'm only 18, I've still got a (mother/grandmother-free) life ahead of me, I just need to reach out and work for that freedom. I've been an idiot, thinking my mom owned me. I'm just scared of her because she's been violent to me all my life (seriously. She gave me a bloody nose when I was 4 because I back-talked her without knowing any better..) and same for grandma, but that's because she owns the house (and computer) thatwe live in. And the piano, but I can always get a new one..same for the computer, but I've literally been using this same computer for 7 years. O_o; it's really been that long..but anyways, yeah, nearby college. I want to go to a college in Michigan. Seriously, all my con friends (minus 4 or 5) live in Michigan. wtftwbbqdumbapples.

...is it good?


Well, gonna end this here for now. Need to get to bed so I can sit in a classroom for the last time for 3 hours. Reading. Too bad I don't own any of the Loveless manga..I feel up to reading that after ACen...

..hehhehheh...

Been a while since I posted something non-emo. >_> ^_^; Been having it rough. I've been better now since coming back from ACen, though I have to say coming home Sunday was rough. >_< Mom screamed at me big time then chewed me up and spit me out just because I told her I didn't want her taking pictures of me after coming off from a reaaally crazy train packed with Cubs fans X_x Mighty Minerva, strike me down. But after that, it got better. ACen was AMAZING. 8D Met so many new friends, hung out with Zack and Genesis and Vincents (more than one ;D) and I went as Hojo/Lucrecia but mostly Hojo because the lUcrecia outfit almost KILLED MEH DX 'twas a great outfit though, I just wasn't prepared enough XD; my bad.

Planning for Youmacon already. :3 most likely going as Miss Cloud (hurhurhur) or Hojo again for kicks..drag my Yazoo outfit out of the closet maybe, but I'd have to reaaally work on my wig and make it all straight again >_<; Not so perfect right now. Gonna be awesome.

Currently 5:10am and I'm soo awake >:3 just like I was last weekend at this time XD

Oh and my school gave me a Saturday class because I didn't have a good enough excuse for being gone last week. -_-; what's up with that?! Baka ne..

Well, keeping it short. ;D writing back eventually, hopefully not emo stuff again.

...michigan college want to gooooo....

Alright, so things were going okay for a while...okay, maybe for about a day. Yesterday was a half day. Sure, it was fun. Got to spend time with friends I normally don't spend time with. We were supposed to film for our Novels project, but our "camera guy" was busy, so we rescheduled to start filming Sunday. Britt and I met up with the rest at Dynasty and had our fun there until we left. So then I left to head to laport to pick up Syd from school since she still had a full day. Stopped at Starbucks then went back to her house for about 6 hours until I had to get mom's car back to her for work. I stopped at the gasstation but it wouldn't accept my card, so I stopped at the one across the street. Still wouldn't accept my card. I went to the ATM to check my balance...little over 9$. Wtf, I had more than that last I checked. So, I drive the car home on a low tank. Within the 20 minutes of getting home, mom and I get into an argument about my filming project. I asked if she wanted to film if [CM] couldn't make it. Her response was "I don't want to walk down the street all that way! That's too far for me to walk."
"Trust me, mom, you could use it."
"What the fuck's that supposed to mean?!"
"You're overweight, you know that."
"Yeah, so are you."
"Yeah, I know, but I'm walking/running down the side walk because I want to."
etc...
Said I should be more grateful because I let her take the car for the day, and I said I was and thanked her. No help.
Later that night she comes in and we start casually talking. I throw in there that I couldn't put gas in the car.

Bad idea.

I pass out after she leaves, fully dressed, lacking a shower. I woke up at 3am this morning and showered, getting everything ready, etc.
I wind up missing the bus 3 hours later.
So, I let mom know, and she calls saying, "Well, I have to put gas in the car, so you'll have to wait...or maybe I'll pick you up and get gas later if the car doesn't run out before I get home." Thanks mom.
So, I'm late for school. All going well until study hall when I'm called up to the VP's office, which he lecutres me and sweet talks me about "not wanting to suspend me" yeah fuck that, you should've thought otherwise three years ago...
And I have a Saturday class now, but I accidently set it up on the day of ISSMA Finals for Choir, so I have to talk to the VP Monday to change it..yippie.
Mom picked me up, wasn't that bad until she asked to see my report card. Thought I had it in my folder, so I searched for it. Wasn't there. Probably in my locked. Don't really want her to see it because I'm Failing Econ, and I haven't really failed a class for three or four years, so I'm screwed. I told her that but she still wants to see it and didn't believe it wasn't in my folder and blackmailed me to shut off my phone if she didn't see it by the end of the month. Goes okay after that until we get home. She says I can't have the computer until I show her the report card. How the hell am I supposed to show it to her if it's not with me?! Oh, right, she doesn't believe me when I tell her anymore. I'm SOOO fucking sorry I'm scared shitless of her that she's going to ground me or take something from me..always freedom from this place. Car, computer, phone..hasn't threatened the PSP or PS2 yet, thank kamisama. Always accusing me of searching things because she's walking into the room. No, not really mom..

Away from that for a while..ISSMA tomorrow..long bus trip to Indy..big whoop. I love the songs, I really do..but..the class's kind lost the feeling. I just don't feel it anymore..just Japanese, Study Hall, Lunch, and Novels.

We had a speaker in Psychology today..came to talk about chances in life and what we should be doing. It was okay, I liked it in a way..but, it was weird. Not his speech, but when he started talking about laughing and how people should laugh more.

I wanted to cry.

And I almost did.

And it was weird because only 30 minutes before hand I was laughing with my friends.

I wonder...when I laugh, do I mean it? Are those tears that come from really laughing so hard or because it hurts to laugh like I'm forcing it? I don't know...I honestly don't know. I think about laughing and having a good time, I just cry. Like it's not possible. I want to have a good time, I want to live life to the fullest..I just can't. I feel like I'm being pulled back by something..is it me? Am I keeping myself back from my future? I'm so depressed anymore, but no one believes me. My family doesn't believe me, my counselor doesn't totally believe me, they think I'm just saying that for attention.
If I wanted attention, I'd shoot myself, OKAY?!? I'd fire a gun in my leg or my arm and make a scene and bleed all over the place just to get attention.

FUCK NO.

I don't want their attention, I just want them to understand what I want to do is live. Away from them. Live with the people I love most..people who live in different places or plan to live in different places.
Friends in California.
Michigan.
Germany.
Texas.
UK.
Conneticut.
Portage.
Laporte.
Kouts.
Japan.
Illinois.
All the people I've met over the years, I want to spend more time with them. All the people I've met online, I want to meet them face to face one day. Hug them, talk to them, laugh with them, live with them. Live with all I know. Live away from here from my family.

Find my father...

...I'm tired of waiting for answers. I want to find him. I want to know him. If he has a family and wife and kids of his own, that's fine by me, I just want to meet him, just once.

It's time I woke up from his nightmare and lived.

Why do people say that our teenage lives are the best times in our life and not to waste it? Why do they say that?
Why did I even bother to actually HOPE that once I turned 18 things would be at least a little better? Why did I bother?
Why bother trying to make my mom realize that I can't handle all the shit she and grandma and throwing at me plus with everything else and other crap I have to do on my own? Why?
Why did I expect something special to happen as soon as I turned 18? Why did I think that my wings would finally extend and take me off away from here? Why did I think that my mom or grandma would finally get some decent hearts and see that what they're saying to me just hurts? Why am I asking all these questions? Why not? Why ask why? Why not? Why should I bother answering? Everytime I answer, something goes wrong with my life...

...my nerves have been acting up. All my fingers twitch and I can't stop them, so whatever I'm doing I screw it up..and I get in trouble. I have to push my foot against something , even more when I'm driving, and I almost get in to accidents that way, and I don't know why...I can't help it. My blinking habit is kicking back in but worse than before, I forget things easily anymore, I'm having trouble breathing again, it's like my skin isn't mine anymore and I have to check it see that it's still there, I haven't had feeling in my right toes since Youmacon (November 3rd) or at least the tip of them...something's seriously wrong with me and I don't know what to do. Mom says that it's just that "I want attention so I do it all on purpose." But I don't!! That or "Your blood sugar's up you need a blood test because you're probably gaining weight which you OBVIOUSLY are..." or something like that. Something's wrong with my brain or nerves and I don't know what it is!! I scared...I'm afraid to tell mom because she'll just make me go to see the doctor for the wrong things and I want to go in myself..but I can't pay for it..and like fucking hell I'm tell my grandma because she doesn't give a shit about me anyways...I don't know what to do..

The haze beyond your eyes clouds my sight
Are there feelings lying at the bottom of your heart?

Even if the whole world was yours
Would that that bring you happiness?

Why do you up at the lonesome sky?
Why, let's see you smile
I know what you're like
How you aren't good at putting things into words, so why not...

What happened in days long past?
In your eyes, as turn your gaze away from me

Do you know of such a warmth
One that can embrace you on those lonely nights by yourself?

Why are you so worked up on appearances?
Why, open up your heart
I know you've had a heavy cross to bear
But I've got the strength to accept you
So why not try believing in me

The free are awkward...
The free are anxious...

Why do you look up at the lonesome sky?
Why, let's see you smile
I know what you're like
How you aren't good at putting thing into words
So why not try believing in me

"Why" - Ayaka

the solid pieces of my heart
begin to crumble and decay.
the crumbled pieces begin to part
and make me realize: i will die some day.
not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not this year,
but i know for just a fact
that dread and pain is what i fear
but apparently my life is just an act.
i'm not trusted, i feel unloved
but only loved by friends
which i feel as if are beginning to part
which will eventually lead to my own end.
i'm lost, i'm confused, i don't know how to live
i don't belong on this earth
let alone this planet
and here i end my rhyme
because my sorrow takes me away
and drags me down to the darkness which i'm lost in.
my poetic
life
that dies inside
i'm dying inside
fading away
hoping i can come back in a better life,
or somewhere that doesn't hurt.
..memories fade, but never forgotten.
forever loved,
forever forgotten.
remember: i'm not dying soon
not physically, at least.
But slowly, oh so slowly
my solid heart crumbles.
Then again, there can be hope
in the darkest places of my broken heart.
my love
my life
disappearing
but still shining dimly.

i'm worthless...i am. why else would mom keep saying it if i wasn't? last week i wanted to go over to syd's and help everyone move in. no. she said no. i'd be no help. i'm completely worthless to them and wouldn't be any help. i hate this feeling, i wish it'd go away. she said i had chores to do, so i couldn't go..so i didn't go. i had to walk halfway down the street, just to try to vent, because staying there wasn't helping. while walking i called syd to tell her. as soon as i heard her voice, i just couldn't take it. i told her what happened, and her mom and mine set up an arrangement so i finish my "chores" that day and i'd spend all day the next there to help. my only chores were piano and bring a few baskets of laundry up. that's it. that was fucking it. i couldn't go because i didn't do piano. i know why i hated it so much, it's because she made me hate it. i couldn't have fun until i did it. i couldn't [i]live[/i] until i did it. she's always been like that..

..but this morning...

this morning..i went to bed at around 6am, because i have only a few more free days until i go back to school. i set my alarm, trying to get myself up at about 11am, but mom decides to come in and bring the cat in with her. bootstraps jumps up on everything and tries to knock it over as usual. i tel lher to make him get down, but she says "he's not doing anything." ..exactly like grandma says about sammie...and closes my blinds so it's dark and just falls down on the bed next to me and starts talking to me about..something. well of course i was trying to go back to sleep, i was still half asleep, and i was worried that bootstrap would knock something over. and i guess she asked me a question because she kept calling my name. i didn't answer because i was too tired to do so, and she literally started yelling at me, more demanding me to answer her. i didn't and just turned over to see what time it was. just as i did, the alarm went off, and she started lecturing me about having to set the alarm all the time and something and something and idk i was trying to fucking SLEEP. so finally she gets up and leaves, taking bootstrap with her. it comes to 2pm when i finally feel like getting up. just as i'm about to sit up, she flings open my door and starts screaming at me to wake up. i said i was, but no...i was "only sitting up so i fake it and don't get in to trouble" and all this shit. i told her it was the blinds, because she literally made my room go dark, which was true. the darker it is, the more tired i feel, but no, "bullshit!". then she starts yelling how she got home at 7am and stil managed to get up at 11am and that she'll take away the computer for a week if i didn't get up now and shit like that. i told her she wasn't being fair, but she goes off again about how i chose my own path and it's my fault i lost it and that i have to do piano as SOON as i get up. i can't do that. i'm not likie her. i can't just get up and do things, it's takes me a while to get up. plus the more stress i feel, the more i feel like i need sleep, and living here, i could sleep for two days straight and still feel tired when i get up from all my stress. another thing was that it's supposed to rain, and when it does, even if it's still sunny outside when i get up, i have a habit of just sleeping in, even on school days, which is why i'm late a lot..especially last year..still..i just wish she'd stop. i hate suicide, but nowadays..it's starting to take over my mind..i don't want to, i never want to, but the more she yells..the more both of them yells..the more things go wrong....i just can't take it..nothing's helping..but i don't want to die...i just don't..i just want her to stop. i want both of them to stop. please..

please make it stop..

ok, computer's back at home. i'd rather be back at the library. discs with all the info of the computer lost.
...it's my fault. everything's my fault. the computer's fine again, but if anything happens to it, it will always be my fault. everyone is looking for those disks, but i was just sitting on my ass playing my video games at 9:30pm last night and that i don't give a shit about the world. it's my fault. it's my fault those disks are missing. i didn't search anywhere and i'm lying to everyone saying i did. i'm lying about the neighbor calling this morning and warning my grandma that if she didn't shut he dog up, he'd call the police. i can go to hell. my closest friend is lying about saying that she doesn't have the disks and that she kept them so she could use them because my videos and pictures and artwork were on those disks. it's my fault. i'm lazy. i'm full of shit. i hate animals. i don't care about anything. my friends lie to me. i lie. i cheat. i'm overweight. i hate everyone. i'm a bitch. i'm horrible. her friends agree with her about me...

...that's what they say to me. mom and grandma. it's what i live with. it's what i'm forced to live with. i didn't clean the computer right, i get yelled at. i missed a spot on the rug, i get yelled at. i tell grandma about what the neighbor said, she turns around and cusses me out. mom keeps using her guilt trip move, but all it does is piss me off. if i snap again, it's their fault. it's both their faults. not the school's, it's their fucking faults.

i told mom the other day that i hate grandma. her response: "why? i'm the one with the problems with her." yeah fucking right. she knows how much grandma yells at me and despises me. i can't even stand being in the same room as her, stand hearing her voice, stand talking to her, stand making eye contact, stand touching her, stand her presence, stand her stupid mutt..i just can't cope with her. i hate her. i hate everything about her. she's a bitch and i hate every part of her being. EVERY part.

SAVE ME.

wow, this place has changed. goes to show i haven't been here for a
while..oh well.

Things have gone on. My buds and a moron went on the Japan trip and should be coming back sometime tomorrow. Originally, I was allowed to go, but right after I paid the first payment, the chaperone and the school said I could go, so...I didn't go. Which sucked. So, I've spent my summer getting ahead in school with summer school. Health and Government. Already done with health and in the middle of govn't, and both are annoying, but a requirement to graduate. *sighs* the things we have to take..oh well, no math next year. so looking forward to that.
Home was hell before. now it's torture. we barely have any money, grandma's being a bitch as always, but getting worse, i'm getting more and more depressed the more i live there, and nothing's helping. yesterday, mom got pissed at me because she called me on my cell when i didn't have a signal in the library, so she started cussing me out even though i told her about the phone troubles. she keeps coming to me for money like she expects me to have some so she can buy a soda at work or something. i'm sick of it. then as i'm in a desperate depressed mood, she starts asking what's wrong. i say nothing, but she keeps asking, so i ignore her. luck was on my side that she didn't start cussing me out. maybe it was because i was the one driving..

Going to go see harry potter tonight at the imax. bought tickets in advanced, so that's good. but i feel like something's going to happen and i'll get yelled at. i hate that feeling. it's like a feeling of guilt, regret, and sadness all mixed together. my psychologist says i'm doing fine, but i only have a chance to tell her half of what happens between the times the see her, which is about every 4 weeks now.

Still haven't got a job. almost got one at the imax, but..oh well, was worth a try. i might apply for starbucks since they're still hiring, or so brendan says. he managed to get a job there, so why can't i? oh yeah, i'm worthless. i keep forgetting..

Computer being worked on, so i'm at the library right now. been doing so for about a week or two. maybe 3. i'm going crazy without it; i need it so i can work on my videos. i have 3 requests, 3 i started on before, and 3 i decided to start on after listening to a few songs. 9 videos. i'm way behind. and i have new artwork i want to work on so i can put it on deviantart ( check out my site at http://ninluvs-shm.deviantart.com ), but it's going nowhere. at least i got a recent update on how it's going. everything i need is in it, so rob just needs to finish a couple things and then we get it back. might stick it in the dining room so we don't get distracted ( we as in mom and i) by the tv when grandma has it on (which is literally 24/7 and on really loud).

Piano's really out of tune. can't play it because it's that bad. piece broke off, but it was just part of the think that comes down to cover the keys. plan to work more on my guitar soon so i can be ready for lessons when i start getting paid from work (when i get a job first).

Haven't seen much of my friends over the summer except for syd and jon. seen steveo once, talked to cindy a few times, got to talk to kit, jess, and caitlyn before they left for japan. oh yeah, aunt rhea came here on a surprise visit. i hadn't seen her for a bout..6 years, i think. she's been living in California. little while in kansas, but not in cali. she wanted me to come back with her to cali, but i said i couldn't because of summer school. i might go there next summer since i wouldn't have to worry about summer school at all (thank god). i was excited, but right now, i have no...feeling. for the past week, i haven't really felt much. just really numb and..emo. not slit my wrist or cause injury to myself emo. like Cloud emo. hide from the world and feel like i have a storm cloud following me everywhere. and that feeling like i'm going to die soon is coming back. not the suicide feeling, no. i hate suicide. but that feeling like i might get in a car accident or get shot or beaten to death and die..i wish it would stop. i's been bugging me a lot. i want to be happy again, but the more i try, the worse it gets. why won't anything get better?

me again. i come bearing a wallpaper. just one, sadly enough. just a sephiroth wallpaper for anyone to use. been a while since i've posted anything on here, so here you go.

( Read more... )

I'm getting so torn apart, I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. Mom's giving me the silent treatment just because I kept telling her I didn't want to do piano because there was nothing to play. If I'm in the mood, which is on a normal basis, I'll play piano, yeah, but tonight I just didn't seem up for it. And she screamed at me, grandma was getting annoyed and kept turning the tv up louder, making things worse since I was already getting a headache, so I sought refuge downstairs. Thing is, I fell asleep, and mom thought I was ignoring her, so...*sigh* This household is insane. I'm about to go insane because of everthing going on around here.

Oh, and did I mention I'm a failure? I got a silver at ISSMA. 1/2 point off from a gold, but the way mom's been talking about it I may as well have gotten just a Partisipation award for just attending. I hadn't played piano since ISSMA, and I didn't want to until I talked to my piano teacher about it, but he was sick, so there were no lessons last night. I wanted to start on next year's ISSMA piece (it's 12 pages long with 6 flats in the key signatures, so I thought I should start working on it now) last night with my teacher because I wasn't sure how he wanted me to do it. But NO. Mom "knows" I can do it. I should know by now, I've only been playing for 11 1/2 years. I have enough damn skill I should KNOW how to play like a pro without making mistakes. Mistakes deserve punishment, punishment is being yelled at. Defending myself only leads to losing the computer or being grounded. I'm not allowed to win. It's against her rules for me to win. What's the point? I might as well not bother arguing with her or anyone anymore. I never seem to win.

I'm also getting yelled at for not looking at the thing about these colleges here next to the computer. She's pulling a huge guilt trip saying I never gave a crap about it and (as sarcasam) a great way to repay Mrs. Krueger after all she's done for me and everything, since she was the one who sent it and helped me with it. I just finished setting up my Senior schedule for next year, and that took forever. ISSMA just ended and that was only another harder tug on my stress level. Grandma's about to lose the house because she keeps taking money out from it and spending it, which is making mom mad, and since mom and grandma won't talk...I'm the only one they can yell at, even if I didn't even do anything.

Winter is beautiful, but doesn't want me to breathe. I've been having trouble breathing ever since it began getting really cold. Mom thinks it's because I've gained 20 pounds and I can't carry the extra weight. I don't know why, but that's always what mom thinks it is when I'm having trouble with something. It's always that I'm gaining weight. Sure, I eat. Everyone eats. At least I don't eat a whole package of hotdogs or a whole whatever of whatever. Maybe a lot of Ramen or Udon, but that's normally a small portion. I haven't been eating much lately, anyways. I haven't been feeling good ("It's because you're gaining too much weight and your body can't take it!" - mom; yesterday.). I think I'm coming down with something.

..well, that's not even half of what's troubling me, but I'll stop now. I feel a little better finally getting some of it out...

Here I am, at the library. Computer's being worked on again. Lost everything again. Living out here...at the library...again. T_T Good thing I saved my files on discs, ne? ;P
Home sucks worse that ever. At least I have my license now...and can drive by myself. Always great. Unfortunately, though, I have no car. Well, I do, it's grandma's, but it has no insurance, it's messed up, and it has no brakes. And mom will only let me drive her car to the store or work or piano. Thas iit. *sobs* Also grandma's car it's small, smells like dog crap, and it's really, really uncomfortable. Merr...

CAN'T go to Japan. I'd say more but I know there's a policy where I can't swear much. So, I'll just keep swearing into my head and pillows and blankets in my room. Yeah. I'm pissed. Not happy happy.

School's okie. Saving up for ACen now since I can't go to Nihon. So far so good. Syd and I still planning to go as Kadaj and Yazoo (I'm taller, so take a gooood guess who I am. ;P), soo...really need to get going on measurements for costumes. And work on souba and Velvet Nightmare over Christmas Break. So yesh, I ish busy...ish.


Wnat...computer...back...want to...work on...videos...IT ISH NOT FAAAAIR!!! T_T So many videos...so many ideas...but nothing to work on...*sobsobsob...*

My eyesight is worsening. went from -1.25 to -2.00 and just got my new perscription today. ZOMG I CAN SEEEEEE!!!!!! XDDD With just contacts! For the last couple of days I've had to see with both contacts and glasses just because the combo was perfect for my vision. fwee! =3 x3

...um...that's about...all I know right now...I suppose I'm ending it here. >.> ta!